Broken Me

Hey Miss Slade,

Ok, my very first problem, you tore down your poem before I even got to read it! Don't do that. I've made that mistake before, and it makes people not want to read it

Okay, now your poem!

I don't think it sucks, but it does need improving. Your words are pretty and they makes your poem really eye catching and it's nice to the ears, however, it needs tweaking.



Silence fills the shadows of my heart;
I feel no pain. I like how your start it off, it's a line that makes a reader think about just what you're saying and want to sympathize with you

Everything I once knew is gone,
because of that terrible night. You're a little too wordy right here, in my opinion, maybe change your second line?

I'm afraid of fire now,
I have a good reason to be. I have a good reason to be? I don't really like the I'm and then I right after eachother. Maybe ''I'm afraid of fire now, With good reason''?

Fire killed them all;
trapped them in its burning flames. Again, I think you can tweak the second line and shorten it. You don't want to turn your poem into a story.

It left me because,
I don't deserve to die. You broke the first line with because! I really think it's unappealing when you do that in poems. And you don't deserve to die? It's too bland, if you wanna be depressing, at least pretty it up!

But I don't deserve to live either. Again, same thing.

The scars from that grim night cover my body,
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
and of the terror that took my soul. This is all right...just kind of story like. I like your wording though.

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I have left.


Hope I helped a little.


- Lindsay

I don't really like ripping things up. To be honest, if something is terrible, I wouldn't bother to critique it.

Miss Slade wrote:
Broken Me


Silence fills the shadows of my heart, (maybe colon or semi colon instead of comma)
I feel no pain.

Everything I once knew is gone,
all because of that terrible night. (remove the all)

I'm afraid of fire now,
but I have a perfectly good reason to be. (should be I have a good reason to be)

Fire killed them all;
engulfed them into its burning flames. (engulfed them in its burning flames. YOu can't be engulfed into something)

It left me, (because should go here followed by comma)
because I don't deserve to die.

But I don't deserve to live either.

The scars from that starless night cover my body, (starless, i don't get it)
reminding me of the look in my mother's eyes,
reminding me of the terror that took my soul. (and the terror that took my soul. Repetition and italics double emphasise, one or the other.)

Broken.

Emotionless,
and bleeding.

I am still alive,
trying to become me again.

Me,
the only person I still have left. (remove still)